Vampire seeks governor's job

Like a good friend once said, "See this is what I mean, democracy doesn't work!"

But seriously folks, we've brought this sort of thing on ourselves. Corruption, graft and cronyism have so diluted the public trust that's it's no wonder people might consider a self-proclaimed vampire as a states executive leader. And why should the good people of Minnesota, or any state for that matter bother voting for a proper candidate? In most cases, by the time you've gotten to the point where you can viably contest an executive position anywhere in the US, you will be bought and paid for by resident lobbyists. You will also be expected to hold the party line, regardless of which party it is you belong to and no matter what that line happens to be in any given week.

With few exceptions, our political hemisphere has become wrought with America's homegrown aristocracy. Sure any yahoo can run, and in some cases he/she can win. Witness the ascension of the aforementioned pro-wrestler-cum-governor, Jesse "The Body" Ventura. He won that coveted seat as a populist candidate with the main goal of kicking the lobbyists out of Saint Paul. He failed miserably because the state legislators fought him like he was the devil. Though he managed to tone it down a notch, between the local media and his fellow politicians, this local upstart was driven from office after one term.

There have been others. Clint Eastwood was a mayor. Sonny Bono was the mayor of Palm Springs. Of course we all know about Arnold Schwarzenegger, but even he is American royalty. Some lesser-known politicians whom have tried to buck the system are San Francisco Mayor, Gavin Newsom, and Mayor of New Paltz, NY, Jason West. Both were given a sound beating in the press when they tried to circumvent their respective city councils and legalize same-sex marriage.

As for the vampire, I say good for him. Glad to see a sad, sad Goth kid taking some civic pride. Hell he might even win, who knows. Actually, winning the hearts and minds of a semi-literate public is the easy part, especially if he's a cutie patootie (you ladies know what I'm talking about). Once he gets to Saint Paul, that'll be a different story; especially if he thinks anybody in the state legislation would pass such a gruesome bill.

Here's the story:

Minnesota voters, who eight years ago elected a former professional wrestler as their governor, may find a self-proclaimed vampire on the ballot for the office this year.

"Politics is a cut-throat business," said Jonathan "The Impaler" Sharkey, who said he plans to announce his bid for governor Friday on the ticket of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party.

Like Jesse "The Body" Ventura, who was elected governor as an independent in 1998, the 41-year-old Sharkey once was a wrestler, although he spent his time "The Unholiest of Kings: Tarantula" on obscure professional circuits.

"I'm a Satanist who doesn't hate Jesus," Sharkey told Reuters. "I just hate God the Father."

However, he claims to respect all religions and if elected, will post "everything from the Ten Commandments to the Wicca Reed" in government buildings.

Sharkey also pledged to execute convicted murders and child molesters personally by impaling them on a wooden pole outside the state capitol.

Sharkey told the Minneapolis Star Tribune that he's a vampire "just like you see in the movies and TV."

"I sink my fangs into the neck of my donor ... and drink their blood," he said, adding that his donor is his wife, Julie.

The field for the governor's race in Minnesota is far from complete. Republican incumbent Tim Pawlenty is widely expected to seek another term in November and his Democratic opponent has not been determined.

Sharkey said he planned to announce his candidacy Friday -- the 13th -- because that was "my lucky number."